Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself. The man who lies to himself can be more easily offended than anyone. 

-Fyodor Dostoyevsky 

When I write

I'm a messy heap of emotion,
That's how it always starts.
This time the familiar twangs of heartbreak pull me apart.
I'm writing tonight because they tell me
I'm weak if I share this with him,
If I want to be near him.
I still feel connected to him.
Lucky to have ever met him.

Tonight and every night since last I saw him
I crave no other contact.
I choose to not be over him.
I don't want to forget the magic.
His energy
His scent
His inner conflict and outer peace
His tender touch and thoughtful banter.
The way we talked about everything
and the way we never needed to say anything.

Get over him
They say
You deserve better
He said
Fuck you
I thought

What is better than a love that makes you want to be the best you?
There is beauty in this twisted world.
The flowers bloom,
The butterflies flutter by
Still
Every. Damn. Day.

But

He doesn't want you
They say
I miss him
I say
I miss you too
He says?

Or is that part of the game?

---

Yet

For the first time in my life, not only am I not afraid of being alone
But I prefer it.
I'm not afraid of meeting someone
But I don't.
I'm not afraid of hurting
But I do.
I'm just not afraid
Of this
Of me.

I don't want to believe this crap, but I can't help it

Mercury is in retrograde until October 9. It rules all types of communication, AND "important documents such as book manuscripts or term papers, agreements, deeds, contracts, leases..." FML.
No wonder my thesis project is getting nowhere. I'm trying to figure out where the wind in my sails went.  I thought is was because I altered the topic, but no. I think it's because I am paralyzed by my quest for perfectionism. It's gotta be just right, right now.

Ugh. Get over it.

Cracks

More often than not, I have been leaving work physically, mentally, and emotionally wiped out. After two and a half years of being an ER RN, the luster and excitement has given way to a sort of jaded resentment. In the far reaches of my memory, I see the shining hospital on the hill, glistening in the sunlight. And I, with hope and optimism, was a new graduate nurse who was going to show everyone how smart, compassionate and hard-working I was so that I could work as a bona fide registered nurse at that sparkling institution by the sea.

I think I've finally deconstructed this salty bitterness to a level that really gets to the heart of things. The ER is that place where people go after they have slipped through the cracks. The systems that were set up to help the ill and destitute are not infallible.

Name the system--the economy, housing, education (Drawing a blank for others. Arguably education can be considered the foundation for everything). If there are cracks to be slipped through, there are people who will fall through and end up in the ER. Laws that help the poor and downtrodden prevent the ER from turning away anyone seeking medical attention. It is the last true safety net in the country. My workplace is a constant reminder of all that is wrong with society: hunger, homelessness, helplessness, lack of resources and treatment for the mentally ill, poor eating habits, over-stress, under-activity, mindless hamster-wheeling to keep up with the Jones', entitlement issues, sloth, bad parenting, (this list can go on for another few lines, but you get my drift).

I feel like I am literally putting a bandaid on the issues and not doing anything to affect change.  My idealistic "power to the people" younger self would call me a sell-out and tell me to get back into organizing and do something about it.  I've succumbed to the machine that tells me that these actions would be futile. Is that laziness or wisdom?

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

I woke up from a night's sleep, and had one of those moments where you just stare at the ceiling and reflect on life.  Then I picked up the phone mini-computer to see what the humans on the interwebs are up to. There are some things that Facebook is good for. I read about how someone manifested a good woman in his life. It wasn't as though he conjured her from the air, but he allowed her to enter his life in a space that was healthy. After you've cleared your heart of the muck and debris, you allow for beauty and truth to enter. I have consciously decided that my heart has healed enough and is ready for love.

This morning, as I pondered at the popcorn ceiling, 

I thought to myself that every tear, laugh, tender moment, excruciating pain, excited joy, and 

ripped heart seam has brought me to now 

When this big muscle in my chest is open.

When I have emotions that are at once 

Sophisticated and enlivening. 

Soothing and exhilarating.  

Sensual and emphatic. 

And Oh. So. Fucking. Good. 

I am seeing and feeling butterflies for the first time since I can remember. Fluttering about, they don't seem like normal butterflies of the blindly infatuated school girl giddy variety. Those are there too, but there is something more substantial.  It's not as though these butterflies are all sitting around reading David Foster Wallace, but more like they are conscious and present of the energy and light. There is a desire to learn, explore curiosity, and weave textiles with our interests, insights, fear and joy. It's a blanket of love in which I feel safe. 

I like that this relationship is becoming a vessel for mutual growth that will not only tenderly hold it, but carry it to new heights and horizons. I can't wait to experience everything else it has to share with me, reveal about me, and incite in me.

Poison into Medicine

Narration: Herbie Hancock
this

After leaving...

"...she didn’t need to rationalize her choices any longer."

I am a writer

I process my world through words.  It starts in my brain and heart, gets scribbled down on paper. Sometimes when I feel brave, they get thrown back out into the world.

Glasses are meant to be filled
With the stuff that nourishes us,
Releases us, Gives us pleasure,
Makes us real and whole.

Beware of the insatiable.

Bleeding Wounds

From years ago:
I work in an emergency room, and I'm sometimes assigned to help the triage nurse take initial vital signs, medical history, etc. A few times, I have encountered patients covered with blood, cradling a wound they had bandaged themselves prior to entering the waiting room. The story is always different: Broken crockpot, Stingray bite. Car accident. Tripped and fell. But the patients are the same. Scared, helpless, in pain, hoping for the right kind of help and healing. They tell me that it has been bleeding, they are not sure if it has stopped, and they think they need stitches.

When we bring them back into the ER, we have to remove their makeshift bandages, usually towels or clothing (not necessarily the most sterile of items). They are apprehensive. They do not want to feel pain or risk of seeing or opening the wound again. But they trust. In order to start the healing, we have open their bandages to assess the extent of the damage, clean the cuts, scrapes, gashes, partial amputations, and treat accordingly with bandaids, sutures, staples, antibiotics, or surgery.

Today's takeaway:
I recently had a conversation with my cousin about the importance of being vulnerable in our romantic relationships. She is a self-professed queen of self-help, and recommended a book on the very subject. My dilemma is that I'm afraid to take off the bandages and expose my wounds. Until I do, I don't think I'll be able to heal.

Bad words

I am on a Facebook hiatus, which means I need an outlet for expression. I had come to the realization that I was spending entirely too much time on that social networking site and I was not social nor networking. I convinced myself that I was keeping in touch with friends with a "like" here and a comment there, but it all was superficial. Don't get me started on the creeptastic way I explored, *ahem* stalked, my FB friends.

This week I informally started a personal "dinner with friends" tour. I needed to really catch up beyond cyberspace to vent about and marinate in the states of my world. First dinner was chicken enchiladas and the Book of Life (really cute Day of the Dead themed animated movie) with Jay. Last night, I visited a college friend and shared Halloween pasta (shaped like bats, pumpkins, and spiders) with chicken, artichoke, salad and a side Law and Order SVU.  C moved in with her boyfriend C after much compromise and reconciliation about love, freedom, and personal space. They shared a lot about the place of rationality and practicality in romantic relationships. The consensus was that in order to work, every romantic relationship had to have an element of the irrational, crazy, doesn't make sense chemistry and rapport that Love brings.

I'm in a relationship that I see as very practical. It's comfortable and reliable. He's thoughtful, can cook, and is good with money. The more I explain it, the more I realize it's a bad idea to have practicality as my prevailing sentiment. I should expect that out of my car, not my relationship, right?  Wasn't I supposed to learn this after watching the Joy Luck Club? I'd rather say my partner is boat-loads of fun, laughs, and have a sky's the limit level of adventure-seeking than having a relationship that merely makes sense. C+C explained it a little more clearly last night when they said that you'll need the crazy-in-love part to pick up the practical part when it starts getting boring and mundane. Without that freedom that comes from unbridled love, I will probably start using the words "stuck" and "obligation" when talking about my boyfriend. That would suck. I have used both those words this week.

On another note: C channeled her glorious inner hippy and told me that I might have a cosmic connection to one of my former lovers, because our energies seem intertwined and my subconscious has been creating dreams that compel me to keep in contact with him. This is not to say that I should act on it, but just to respect (from a distance) the feelings he continues to incite. More on that later.

There is a thin line between being overly rational and geeky and clever in this statement. I think it's cute.

The Love Letter

Key: Vermeer, and this

Challenging

**From March 2011** At work I overheard someone tell a person on the other line of his telephone that your thirties are great. You grow a lot as a person and in the end you are better. As someone who continually strives to be better than I was yesterday, I am looking forward to it.

I've gotten pretty good at challenging myself physically. I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff, but here is my running total (pun intended):
5k: 10
10k+: 5
Half marathon: 4
Marathon: 1
Mud run: 1
Warrior Dash: 1
Training miles: too many to count
Miles hiked: numerous

Maybe it's time for another type of challenge. Lately I've been thinking that it's been easy to be tomboyish and aggressive in my life, but that I'm not sure if I'm good at being a refined lady. When couples dancing, I have a tendency to anticipate and lead. When on a road trip I like navigating AND driving. I love fixing things. It can be kind of emasculating when I can change a tire for a guy.

I could be less crass. I could build my repertoire of dishes I'm good at cooking/baking. I could be more feminine (as the social construct defines it). I could listen better. I could be more compassionate. Not that these are only things that and person should be or do, but they are things that I could be so much better at doing.

I have decided that my next challenge will be to wear a skirt (or dress) for the whole summer season, which I have arbitrarily designated as starting on Memorial Day and ending on Labor Day. I think this exercise will require more discipline and planning than any running has in the past. The skirt will remind me of all the things that I am working on.

(to be revised and updated)

Elephants

If the elephants have past lives / Yet are destined to always remember / It's no wonder how they scream / Like you and I they must have some temper / And I am dreaming of them on the plains / Dirtying up their beds / Watching for some sign of rain / To cool their hot heads / And how dare that you send me that card / When I'm doing all that I can do / You are forcing me to remember / When all I want is to just forget you / If the tiger shall protect her young / Then tell me how did you slip by / All my instincts have failed me for once / I must have somehow slept the whole night / And I am dreaming of them with their kill / Tearing it all apart / Blood dripping from their lips / And teeth sinking into heart / And how dare that you say you will call / When you know I need some peace of mind / If you had to take sides with the animals / Won't you do it with one who is kind? / If the hawks in the trees need the dead / If you're living you don't stand a chance / For a time though you share the same bed / There are only two ends to this dance / You can flee with your wounds just in time / Or lie there as he feeds / Watching yourself ripped to shreds / Laughing at as you bleed / So for those of you falling in love / Keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right / Throw yourself in the midst of danger / But keep one eye open at night / RACHAEL YAMAGATA - ELEPHANTS

Fremont Ave

After tonight's events and shenanigans I found myself driving on the very street on which my heart became retarded. That is to say, it lost the ability to determine what it really wants, what feels right, and started developing some sort of philophobia. Is there such a word?

It was on Fremont in a shopping plaza parking lot that I let go of the person that I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When your heart decides something like that and then you force it to not act on it, it's jarring. And it leaves a scar. Its been over 3 years and im still not sure if it's healing right.

In nursing school I'm taught that the heart is body's pump, helping to move nutrients to tissues and waste away for excretion. Physiologically, I think my heart still works. The not so visceral, more emotional? structures of my heart-- that's what needs the roto-rooter and creation of alternate pathways that make up a coronary artery bypass graft (triple or quadruple bypass probably required). Maybe then I'll be in a stronger, more confident place to make decisions about love and romance.

http://m.active.com/running/Articles/How-to-Make-a-Running-Comeback-in-5-Steps.htm?cmp=291&memberid=113229056&lyrisid=23457509&email=taberlykim@yahoo.com

I miss Nintendo

http://www.nerdyshirts.com/abxy-nintendo-game-controller-t-shirt/

Before Sunrise (1995)

"I always feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood, and without making it look my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone, and being loved means so much to me. I always make fun of it and stuff. But isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?"

How sweet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCANSvS9X-o

Jazz: My thoughts in a few measures

Each afternoon that I leave my History of Jazz class I have a sense of elation and ease knowing that I filled my mind with just a tad more awesomeness. It's like I'm learning more words to describe and appreciate a love I have had but didn't know how to express. We started with basic Miles and Coltrane (and will probably revisit) and we are now at the end of the Swing Era with Ella Fitzgerald, Benny Goodman, Duke Ellington, Billie Holiday, Tommy Dorsey, Glenn Miller.... Listening to the evolution of jazz from it's European classical, African worksong, Blues, Ragtime, Swing, Bebop, etc roots and the people and figures that helped shape the art bring me so much closer to it. I am by no means a musician, so some of the learning does not come naturally (hearing the differences in instrumentation, rhythm, chord changes, and time signatures). But I love it! Every lecture, I'm impressed at the talent and richness of jazz history AND the nuances and variations in style and performance--makes me want to learn more.


As much as I like to make lists, I kinda like to speak in metaphors. It helps my mind wrap itself around a particular thought:

I have always contended that a good jazz performance is like a really good relationship. Band members are passionate about their role in playing the song. They may each have the opportunity to improvise and share his/her sound with the world. It's a matter of listening to each other, playing off of each other's energy, understanding each other's limitations, complementing each other's skills and talents, and when the time is right allowing the other to do her thing / play her solo (while the soloist knows she has her bandmate's full support and will jump in to help carry the song when she is done). Like life, the song is dynamic. People are dynamic and ever-changing.

The romantic side of me (a.k.a. the sap) is still looking for her bandmate and jazz partner. Someone who on a mellow day has a natural tempo close to hers, but also knows how to speed it up or slow it down as life (or the particular song) calls for it. If my partner hears my part of the song change, my hope is that he recognizes, responds, plays along or helps to steer it in another amazing direction. A girl can hope that there is one out there for her. Maybe I should put out a want ad.

WANTED: BANDMATE. FEMALE MUSICIAN WHO MARCHES TO THE BEAT OF HER OWN DRUM SEEKS MALE MUSICIAN, PREFERABLY ONE WELL-VERSED ON UPRIGHT BASS OR OTHER CURVY FEMALE-SHAPED INSTRUMENT, FOR THE JAZZ PERFORMANCE OF A LIFETIME.
(Yep. I just went there. Deal with it. Hahahaha)

Mercury is in retrograde, and Saturn is in Libra. WTF?

Today I spent some time with a friend and met his wife for the first time. I already feel like she and I will become fast friends... but there is one thing about her that I have never encountered in another person I have met. She not only likes to read horoscopes and astrological forecasts, she remembers them and incorporates them into life in such a way that guides her behavior. I don't think I have ever met anyone that will caution her husband not to replace his non-functional XBOX (which he wants so he can play Portal 2) because Mercury is in retrograde and it is the governor of all moving parts, as in electronics. The reason why it is not working is not because he didn't turn it on in 2 years, but because the movement of celestial bodies dictates so. This might make her seem like a flighty, irrational, and loopy woman but she is not. She is intelligent, thoughtful, insightful and practical... except for her "like" of astrology.

So she got me to look up my astrological forecast for April from her favorite related website. It told me 2 main things:

(1) DO NOTHING. MAKE NO DECISIONS. MAKE NO BINDING CONTRACTS.
This month, the planets will be a bit wild, sending differing, often opposite, messages, at the same time. As the adage goes, "When in doubt, do nothing." With your ruler, Mercury, retrograde from March 30 to April 23, things cannot be settled to your satisfaction anyway, so take your sweet time to sort out options and do your research.
Mercury is the planet of thinking, reasoning, and communication, so when it is out of phase, everyone of every sign feels it, but Gemini always feels it more than most. Mercury is your guardian planet, so when retrograde, it is an unfortunate time to launch anything new. It is also not a time to sign a contract or even give your final word of approval verbally. Conditions are shifting rapidly now, a fact you may not see until later. Nothing will be set in stone this month, so if you make decisions now, your decisions will be based on the wrong criteria and with priorities that will change later.

(2) ANY RELATIONSHIP I HAVE NOW IS FATED TO BE LONG DISTANCE (OR SOMETHING)
Saturn's presence [in Libra] could also suggest that you and the person you are dating (if you are dating) need to be in very different locations. Saturn brings separations through no fault of your own, just to see what you will do. Sometimes Saturn does this to test the strength of your relationship. Saturn will change signs in October 2012, so from now until then, you will have to contend with that situation.

I try not live my life according to illogical and irrational thinking, or quackery BUT this is a little weird. Just sayin'

I have further thoughts about dating and relationships that I wanted to blog about tonight but I'm going to sleep instead. Maybe another time.